The Cliché & The Solution

STATUTORY WARNING: This blogpost is only for guys. Girls are not supposed to read this, for your own good. Hell, no one listens to me, you're gonna read it anyway! Reasons to as to why girls shouldn't be reading this, will be clear by the end.

What do you do when your girl tells you that you are like all other men? Ask her how many men she's known? Hardly, unless you want to end it with her that is. What do you do when your girl tells you that she isn't beautiful? She surely is fishing for compliments, and you need to do something to pass the test! But what?

Its become some kind of a fashion I guess to categorize all men into a single category. Apparently yeah, all men fall under a single category, how there can be only one category to 'categorize' is a mystery though. You hear the Film heroines using the line on the cute *innocent* unsuspecting hero, you hear you wife, girlfriend, or in some cases, both using it on you, you can also see the vamps from telly-land philosophise that a seduction is all that is needed to corrupt the normally 'Patnivrata Pati' and get him to do as she pleases.


She probably is right. But that's besides the point. Man-kind likes it when Women-kind think that he is different from the rest of Men-kind. Yeah, I know I suck. Yes we do like looking at beautiful chicks, yes we bay at the moon when we spot one, yes we don't normally listen to girls when they talk stuff, we think about beautiful chicks or imagine the day when Roger Federer defeats Rafael Nadal in a French Open Final, but we are inherently different! How, I don't know, so please refrain from asking.


Guys mean it, in most cases, when they say that their girl is beautiful. At least they appear to be when we are in 'love' with them. So its not done when they say that you are like all other men and that she isn't beautiful. But guys, fret not. The solution is here. You can, now, use the two clichés that women use to your advantage. This is what you tell your girl.

STATEMENT 1: All guys are the same.
STATEMENT 2: You are like all other guys.
STATEMENT 3: All guys like only beautiful girls.
STATEMENT 4: I like you.


From STATEMENT 1, 2, 3 and 4, You are beautiful. Hence Proved.


Simple enough right? Sure to bring a smile on her face, or a bump at the back of your head. Do try and tell me the results. And yeah, I now hold a Creative Commons licence, so if you do use this, you have to attribute it to me, else I'll sue you. And yeah, I'd expect all the men out there in world to thank me for the solution. You're Welcome in advance.

All the girls out there who've read it already, too bad for you and your guy, if ever he uses my li'l logic on you. I've always found that a sad joke is the best (worst?) when its least expected.

P.S: I've started enrolling 'students' for my very original Flirt with P.Js classes. Batches fast filling, enrol now to avoid disappointments.
P.P.S: And I wonder why am still single.

Environmentally Irrelevant

Ok, its been a long time since I've blogged. I haven't been too busy, I've just been plain lazy. For those who've read my blog earlier, I'd already promised that I might blog at infrequent intervals, my moods the reason. Anyway, am not really sure anyone checks this stuff that regularly that people missed me, nonetheless, am back.


It was World Environment Day two days back, and the papers were abuzz with ways to go green, save the environment, plant trees, make gold from crap, etc. etc. But then how many of us give a damn? Quite few, judging by the way things are going around. I figured we needed reasons far more than our environment to get us into the Conservation mode. Environment can go take a crap, we need better reasons. Here they are.

• Use CFL Bulbs instead of the normal ones. So that you can look at the curves *wink wink* when you are bored.
• Use mechanical pencils instead of the wooden ones. They look cooler. And kids always have a fantasy of using pens. This is as close as it can get.
• All the smokers, use a lighter instead of a matchstick. It'll be just like movies, the cool Zippo lighters and the awesome click sound, bound to make your smoking experience better (Lame, but i couldn't think of a better reason).
• Set up you study table beside a window. You can watch all the hot girls/guys passing by the window, and if you are  more of the arty kind, enjoy the scenic view and the birds and the trees around and get inspired to write poems like Shelly or Keats.
• Plant trees and flowers. Lots of reasons. If the view outside your study table has no trees, plant them to help you get inspired to write romantic poems about nature. A rose bush at home will mean lesser expenses while trying to woo your girl with flowers, or while trying to get her back to talk to you.
• Convince your boss to let you wear casuals to work and skip the tie, at least in the summers. You can tell him its much more comfortable, it'll increase your efficiency, clothes don't make a man, his work defines him. He will surely agree when you tell him it'll reduce his A/C bills in the summer. Whats in it for you, you might feel like you are back in college, get nostalgic and dreamy, do less work, blame it on the summer, AND the office babe might just notice you and ask you out for a coffee.
• Walk small distances. You might meet an old acquaintance, or the new girl-next-door. Way to go!!
• Last but not the least, collect your farts and burn them in your gas stove. You'll save fuel and money. Yeah, I ran out of funny ideas and came up with a disgusting one. But believe it or not, researchers are actually planning to do just that on cows. The methane they produce is huge, valuable if collected, and highly polluting if not.

So all you guys who think conservation is boring, and you anyway wont be living when the world becomes a frying pan, think again. There are reasons, GOOD reasons actually as to why you must try and save the environment.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I guess I lost the plot. I should get back to not blogging. The piece is lame, and not really funny, but you must understand that I am bored, and in  the middle of my examination. If any of you plan to jail me, This post is sure gonna help me prove my Insanity plea. So it wasn't that useless after all. Cheerio!


P.S: I've entered this post for the BlogAdda contest,in association with Pringoo for the Environment day.

Single On Valentine's

Its Valentine's day tomorrow..which I bet you knew already. But well, I like being Captain Obvious to the rescue at times..umm..make that most times.

Its been 19 years, 2 months and 59 days and counting. I am still single. Not that I mind it, I have much better things to think about at the moment. *snort*

Well ok, not really. Since I am really bored and jobless, and I've got nothing else to think, I sat down to list the reasons as to why there isn't a girl in my life to fawn upon me yet.

• I am short. People have often commented that I'd need to be standing on a stool to kiss the girl I have a crush on. Well that's harsh really, I wouldn't really need a stool, I'd stand on the stairs. Much better idea methinks.
• I am shy. Make that very shy. Last time I had a crush on this real cute girl in the library, and after three months of trying to catch her eye and having butterflies in my stomach, a week of giving her a smile every time I saw her, I finally talked to her, only to realise that it was her last day at the library. I didn't even ask her her name.
• I have a squint. I hadn't realised that till today morning when I saw a photograph of me. The protractor told me that my right eye looks 1.035 degrees to the right.
• I do stupid things. Perfect example right above.
• I have hair which puts a bird's nest to shame. And I am not apologetic about it. My idol is a certain Mr. Imtiaz Ali, though I'd be kicked out of home if I keep it that long. I still like it that way and wail each time when mum asks me to go cut it, which generally starts a week after I've actually cut my hair.
• I usually say things I shouldn't, like "Your eye-liner makes you look as if you've not slept for 10 days" or "You are not too fat, you only look like a baby elephant" or "My hair is better than yours" or "You have more muscles than me" or, ah come on..you get the drift!
• I do try and compliment when I like certain things. But then i don't understand why girls freak out at times. This one time I told a girl that her pimple was cute..All I got was a disgusted look..I wonder why! *innocent look*
• I write lame poems when someone gets upset to cheer them up. But then somehow they get even more irritated with that.

Please girl don't sulk,

It might just increase your bulk,

Please girl don't cry,

The rivers are not exactly dry,

You wouldn't want the city in floods,

Cause floods cause devastation,

Then there will be nothing to take out your frustration!

    Now come on..laugh..you aren't supposed to be irritated I say! Where's your sense of humour?!

• I am sarcastic at times. Girls don't understand sarcasm. I once said I absolutely adored Emran Hashmi when she asked who my favourite hero was. We never met again.
• I try and shed my inhibitions and go to coffee houses and ask girls "How you doing?" a la Joey, I usually end up getting beaten up by their boyfriends.
• All the good ones are really taken. And 99% of girls ARE hot, and the rest ARE in my college. My college jocks would surely agree.
• People think I am gay. I am not, I just pretend to be when I need a laugh. Right Rohit, my sweetums?
• I usually write self depreciating stuff and  make a fool of myself. Like this one.
• Finally, I have a shrewd intuition that Brad Pitt, Ashton Kutcher, George Cloony and Tom Cruise have ganged up against me and made a voodoo doll of me somewhere and are messing with my life. Stop being jealous guys, I'll leave some girls for you too.

I think I have listed round about everything. If you guys have an idea as to why such a nice guy like me is left without a date, please leave comments or mail them to me. Am sure the evil will be defeated and the good will prevail in the end.

P.S: I don't know how the last sentence is relevant. Who cares, Good will prevail!

Trapped

25th January, 2010

Its been quite sometime since I last posted anything. Yeah, its been busy, I've been roaming around in the streets looking for sponsors for my college fest which even my college mates wont attend. All I realized after days of pointless travelling was that I wont make a good salesman.

Its been hell, the last few days. And its not even remotely connected to me leading the life of a salesman. Actually the thing has helped me.Its helped me to get away from things..its helped me get a good night's sleep..I mean you can't really stay awake after walking miles and travelling at peak hours in the jam packed Mumbai local trains..Its basically helped me to run away..from my thoughts, my life..from myself.

But today, I just can't distract myself. I see Federer flattening Hewitt. I see Tendulkar hammering the Bangladeshis. I read Pearls Before Swine. I try to re-read Harry Potter for the umpteenth time. Its still there. I still feel trapped.

12th February, 2010

Its even more time since i last posted anything. I saw Federer thrashing Murray in the finals, South Africa hammer India, Sachin posting a ton in vain, read more Harry Potter, started going to college, broke a promise i made to myself, got my results, was happy for a millisecond, became optimistic at a lost cause, fell flat on my face three days later, had two sleepless nights, and yeah, I can't distract myself. I still  feel trapped.

A friend yesterday commented that even the happiest person would feel depressed after standing five minutes beside me..that made me laugh. My jokes are depressing sure, and I know I don't spread the happiness aura, but well, that's me. Bored, depressed, and confused.

I dunno where this post is heading, I dunno what to write, I dunno where to start, nor do I know where to stop.

Am tired now. And I don't like abrupt endings..but then who cares?

NOTE TO SELF: Maybe I'll finish this someday. Maybe I should.  Maybe I should be a bit more relaxed and carefree. Maybe i shouldn't really think much. Maybe I should stop saying "Maybe" and be a bit more decisive. Maybe i should just leave to avoid any more awkward questions.

How A Normal Conversation Turns Idiotic

*Umm..before you say anything about the title, I know my titles are trash*

The last day of exams, four hour before Maths-III starts, I sit up all tensed. No matter how much portion remains, I can't get myself to sit on my desk and study. As is human tendency, I call up Gautham, my classmate, to check up on his status.

*Ring Ring*

Me: Hey, how much you done? I am royally screwed man, I've still gotta study Residues, Taylor's series. Done only bi-linear and am not at all sure about Laplace.

Gautham: Same here mate. I've done the exact same chapters. We are in the same boat.

*The panicky guy in me relaxes.The over-smart guy in me takes over.*

Me: Ah..its a boat is it? I was hoping it'd be a Cruise Liner. At least we'd have enjoyed ourselves while the exam f*cked up our grades.

Gautham: @^&%3&..Bad jokes all the time. Wait till I lay my hands on you in college.

Me: Eww..I didn't know you were gay. Stay away..and don't you dare try and lay your hands on me!

Gautham: You are Impossible :| .Go study and spare me from your Cruise Liner jokes.

Me: Aye Aye Captain!

*Keeps the phone.*

 The phrase "Aye Aye Captain" plays in my head like an irritating advertisement jingle. I turn the pages of my text book aimlessly and land up on the page with Complex Numbers. Unfortunately, for everyone, i start thinking.

*Ring Ring*

Gautham: Now what?

Me: Have you noticed? People say Aye Aye Captain when they mean to agree with something. It actually means that they disagree.

Gautham: How on earth did you deduce that?

Me: Aye Aye Captain.

       = i.i Captain.

       = i² Captain.

As you can now see, i² is -1, or in other words negative. So "obviously" you mean to say Negative Captain which implies that you wont obey the order. Right?

Gautham: *A bit too stunned to react. Bangs his head on the wall once it registers.*

Gautham: Dude, I think the exams have addled your brains. Take care man. Now F*ck off!

*I laugh out loud and keep the phone.*

Conclusions:

1. Never pick up the calls of a psycho just before the exams. He has nothing important to say, apart from bad jokes which will eventually help the world.
2. Examinations addle peoples brains. Ban them.
3. Don't abuse a psycho for his bad jokes. Abuses are satisfactory for the psycho. It feels like Mission Accomplished. The psycho will come back stronger with even worse jokes.
4. The psycho's jokes may be bad. But they are logical if you think out of the box.
5. Don't ask a psycho why his bad jokes will save the world. He doesn't know.

P.S: I got a 'Get a Life Loser' reaction for my last idiotic post. I daresay I am gonna get some more. But before you do that read Conclusion #3 again.

Five Point Someone

Finally, after a about a month after its release, I watched the film yesterday. Yes the film was good, yes I was laughing like everyone else, yet I was feeling kinda sour while leaving the hall.

A pizza with extra oregano and chili flakes, but with a few toppings missing, still remains a pizza. A story with one character missing, and lots of masala to suit the script of a Bollywood film, still for me at least, remains the same story.

I don't know what contract was signed between the film-makers and Chetan Bhagat, but what i do know that simple ethics have not been followed. An adaptation is an adaption, credit needs to be given. Sure Abhijat Joshi worked hard..sure Hirani gave in loads of inputs, but the fact remains that the story was Chetan Bhagat's. You can not take almost every character from the book, bring a character into prominence, take most scenes from the book, add a few scenes to make it a comedy and say its an original story. The least you can do is acknowledge the fact that it is an adaptation. The makers have been denying it..and it got to my nerves yesterday while watching the film.

It was fun watching Ryan, Alok, Neha, Cherian and Venkat on the screen..I loved the film Mr.Amir Khan, I loved it Mr. Raju Hirani, am sure you made loads of profits Mr. Vidhu Vinod Chopra, but my respect for you has not grown a single bit. You owe it to Chetan Bhagat. Without Five Point Someone, there could be no 3 Idiots. I know it because I have read the book. What about the ones who haven't read it?

The Year Gone By..

Its been quite sometime now, my unofficial one-post-per-week policy hasn't worked this time. I seem to have lost my brains. No poems that i can think of, nothing witty that i can write, nothing interesting to churn up. Its just Blank..my mind is at the moment.

Its a New Year, a new start according to one of my friends, and its started, well, quite badly. A sudden change in mood, from normal to a reflecting an introspecting one, a sudden urge to sit in a corner and do nothing, not even think about things.

The year that has gone by, was bad. Yes, I did try breaking out of my shell, talked quite a bit to people, some even asked me to shut up..and to think there was a time when people asked if i did talk. Had fights with friends for probably the first time ever, I usually never had any. I lost my interest in study, though this what i had always wanted to do..It still is, i have absolutely no regrets in joining Mechanical Engineering. Just hope, its a passing phase and my low grades will motivate me.

Well, the good things. I was living a dream. The dream was wonderful. Though it kinda hurt when I came out of it. But the dream was wonderful.

There nothing much to write. Wishing every one a very happy new year and hope that it turns out to be better than the last one.

P.S: If you were wondering why I changed reflecting to introspecting earlier in the post, its because i read this.

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis-June 11, 2002.

P.P.S : The only thing good about this post is the comic strip.